


Bat's Burgers

by WhaaaaaaaaaatAmIDoing



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Assassination Attempt(s), Burgers - Freeform, Butts, Crossover, Gen, Humor, New Jersey, Two happy families, burger of the day, grammarly is my proofreader, more tags added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-04-07 05:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14073894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhaaaaaaaaaatAmIDoing/pseuds/WhaaaaaaaaaatAmIDoing
Summary: Bob's Burgers takes place in a coastal New Jersey town. Gotham is an island off the coast of New Jersey.Bruce Wayne and Bob Belcher were bound to meet eventually.





	1. The First Day of Shorts Weather

“DAAAAAAD, I’m sick of scrubbing menus, can’t we go to Wonder Warf?” Louise whined.

Tina smiled. “Yeah dad, it’s the first day of shorts weather. All the boys start showing off their calves, and less pant fabric makes their butts more springy.” Tina pictured those glorious lower halves freed from the constraints of excess fabric. It was her favorite day of the year.

“And I was gonna play for tips! I’m working on a new song!” Gene pulled his keyboard to his lap. He played a beautiful melody of fart noise, laser noise, and horse neigh.

“Aw, Gene, you took my horse suggestion!” Tina exclaimed (as much as she does).

“Yeah, and I think I’m gonna have to say _nay_ on it if you know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t… I don’t get it.”

Bob sighed as he refilled the soft serve machine. “Kids, shorts weather means more people at Wonder Warf, and that means more people in the restaurant.”

The kids looked around. The place was almost empty, aside from a booth of obvious stoners.

Louise was willing to point out the obvious. “So where are-“

“THEY’RE NOT HUNGRY YET,” Bob insisted. “They’re coming. Maybe.”

“Aw, Bobby, I’m sure they’re all on their way. They’re just waiting so they don’t puke on all the rides!” Linda said, coming through for Bob’s ego.

“Thanks, Lin. Kids, keep cleaning the menus.”

As the kids continued to scrub, a handsome man and three kids entered. Bob looked up. He knew them. Or recognized them at least. Where from? Where had he seen—

“Oh my God, kids, family meeting in the kitchen.”

“I’ll clear my schedule!” Gene joked.

“No, kids, now!” motioning for them to get moving. “I’ll be right with you!” He said to the family that just entered.

Bob entered the kitchen, excited and nervous. “Oh my God, kids, Lin, do you know who just came inside our restaurant?”

“No, I’ve been in here the whole time!” Lin complained. “No, no, wait- don’t tell me, I’ll go take their order. I’ll see for myself!”

“No, Lin, but that’s—“

“I can’t hear you! I’m going to help the customer!”

“Oh God.”

“Dad, who is that?” Tina asked.

“Tina, I think that’s Bruce Wayne. The super-rich guy from Gotham.”

“Waitwaitwait, Gotham? Dad.”

“Louise, no”

“Dad, GOTHAM.”

“Louise, please don’t—“

“Dad you KNOW who’s from Gotham right?!?”

“Bruce Wayne?” Gene asked.

“No! Catwoman! My hero!” Louise exclaimed.

“Oh God, Louise, why is a diamond thief your hero?” Bob asked.

“A JEWEL thief, dad.”

Tina perked up. “Has Nightwing ever caught her?” Tina gazed dreamily up to the heavens. “Nightwing,” she sighed, picturing his glorious butt in that tight spandex costume.

“Shh, hold on, your mother’s about to talk to him.” The Belchers peeked into the next room.

Linda had just walked up to Bruce Wayne’s table. “Hi! Good afternoon! Welcome to Bob’s Burgers! I’m Linda, I’ll be your server today! The burger of the day is the ‘Don’t go Bacon my Heart,’ and it comes with OH MY GOD you’re Bruce Wayne!”

“Oh God, I’m going out there,” Bob said, panicking.

Bruce Wayne gave a small smile. “Yes, I am.”

“Oh my God! These must be your kids! I don’t know their names, but they’re so cute!”

“Oh, well, this is Tim, this is Cassandra, and this is Damian.” He said, gesturing to each.

“Father! I did not give you permission to share my name with others,” The one named Damian answered.

“It’s called being polite, Damian,” Bruce responded.

“Aw, what a lovely family!” Linda said, forgetting her job as a server.

Bob came up to Linda’s side, pushing her out of the way a little. “Um, hi, I’m Bob,”

“Ah, from the name of the restaurant,” Tim said. Damian rolled his eyes.

“Wow, yes, heh, um, that’s me, so, um, what brings you to our restaurant today?”

“Our boat crashed by the wharf,” Bruce answered, “It is, as you probably know, the first day of shorts weather.”

Linda looked under the table. They all had pant legs. “But you’re not wearing—”

“The burger of the day is the Don’t go Bacon my Heart, it um, it comes with bacon. Or is there anything else I can get you?”

“I’ll get the burger of the day,” Tim said.

“Me too,” said Cass, nodding her head.

“I’ll have the Saffron Saff-off burger, I suppose,” Bruce said. “Damian, would you like anything?”

“I’m a vegetarian.”

Bruce turned to Bob. “Do you have anything vegetarian?”

“I could give him fries and… some lettuce?”

“That’ll work,” Bruce said. Damian grumbled something incoherent.

“Fantastic! I’ll go get started right away! Lin, come with me,” He said, running back to the kitchen, Linda following.

As her parents were distracted, Louise took her opportunity and snuck up to the table. She stared at Bruce for a moment before he acknowledged her.

“Um, may I help you, young girl?” Bruce asked.

“DO YOU KNOW CATWOMAN?” Louise asked at an inappropriate volume.

“I um, I’m sorry, what?”

“Father, she asked if we knew that jewel thief. Little girl, do you know who we are?” Damian asked.

“No, but I know who CATWOMAN is- hey wait, who are you calling ‘little girl’? What are you, eight?”

“I’m TEN!” Damian said, standing up on the booth seat, “And Catwoman’s stolen from us MULTIPLE times. Don’t be DAFT.”

Bob could hear Louise arguing from the kitchen. “Oh God, Tina, go get your sister.”

Louise was in the middle of talking about how Catwoman could totally kick this puny little rich boy’s ass when Tina came up. “Hey, Louise, dad needs you in the kitchen.”

“Ugh, not now, Tina—“

“Yeah, go back to your blue-collar work, you destitute meat flipper!” Damian shouted.

“DAMIAN!” Chastised both Bruce and Tim, while Cass just flicked him on the head.

Tim turned to Tina and Louise. “I’m sorry about the brat, he’s just in a sour mood because he has a pet cow.”

“Don’t you bring her into this!” Damian yelled.

But Tina didn’t hear that. She didn’t hear anything. All she could focus on was Tim’s hair after he turned to look at her. And his eyes. God, he had such pretty eyes. What color is that, blue? Cerulean? A color bought with wealth and puberty? And he was a teenager. And a boy. He was a teenage boy. And he was looking at her.

“What’s your name?” He asked her.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…”

“Is she broken?” Tim asked Louise.

“No, she’s just like this.”

Cassandra snapped her fingers in Tina’s face. No response.

Bob peaked into the restaurant. “Oh God, now Tina’s being weird. Gene, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you’re the reinforcements. Please, go save the restaurant.”

“Can I pl—“

“NO KEYBOARD,” Bob yelled as he flipped a burger.

Tina was still saying “uhhh” as Gene approached. “I’ll take it from here, toots,” he said, pushing his sisters out of the way. He turned to Bruce. “So, moneybags, you own any record labels?”

“No, but I have some stock in Warner Brothers.”

“Warner Brothers? Forget I asked.” Gene walked away, dejected. Even he had standards.

A moment later, Bob came up to the table with the burgers (and fries with lettuce). “Here you go, _bone apetit._ ”

They all took their burgers. Damian and Bruce put napkins on their laps. Bruce took a fork and knife, and dug in by slicing off a bite. He really let it savor in his mouth, which was torture for Bob, who really just wanted Bruce’s thoughts on it. Would Bruce like his burger? Would Bruce's children publicly shame Bob on Twitter? This whole burger could determine his future… And Bruce was making him wait for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...And I'm going to make you wait for it, readers.  
>  I have nothing against Warner Brother's music. I don't even know who they have signed. I just needed Gene to get out of the way, and it's funny because Warner Brothers owns DC. Comedy.  
> I'm not totally sure where this is going, but I have a couple more chapters written. It'll probably be about 5 or 6 chapters.  
> Why am I writing this? Nobody asked for this. This is where obsession gets you, kids.


	2. Welp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce Wayne reacts to Bob's burger. The Fischoeders make an appearance. The plot actually starts.

“Wow,” Bruce said after swallowing. He wiped the corner of his mouth. “This burger is delicious! And how much did it cost? Only $17?

“What? No, they’re like, six bucks. How expensive is Gotham?” Bob asked.

“Oh, not that expensive,” Tim explained, “he’s just so rich he’s out of touch. Great burger, though.”

Cass nodded and went “mmm.”

“Wow, thank you all so much!” Bob exclaimed, “I’ll leave you to your burgers. And fries. And lettuce. Enjoy!” he shuffled off. Damian scoffed.

 

A few minutes later, Mr. Fischoeder and his younger brother Felix entered the restaurant. Felix recognized Bruce immediately: “Bruce Wayne? From Gotham?”

“Yes, that’s me,” Bruce said, “I seem to be quite popular in this town.”

“Don’t you remember me? Felix? Felix Fischoeder? From Princeton?” 

Bob was confused. “Felix, you went to Princeton?”

“I visited a few times!” 

“I’m sorry, I really don’t remember you, but I dropped out after a couple of semesters.”

“PLEASE tell me this story,” Tim begged.

“Tim, there is no story.” 

“Fine, I’ll ask Barbara,” Tim said as he started texting.

Bruce sighed.

Felix brought their attention back to him. “Anyway! It’s not every day we have a celebrity in one of my brother’s restaurants! This is my brother,” he pointed to Calvin, “he owns this property, the one across the street, Wonder Warf, a bunch of other restaurants—“

“Yes,” Calvin piped up, “What did bring you to this crusty, dingy, low-class establishment, of all establishments?” 

Bob frowned a little more and more with every rude adjective.

“Well,” Bruce started, wiping his mouth again (dude was obsessed with wiping his mouth, is that a rich people thing?), “the first places we saw were this one and the Italian place across the street, and being from Gotham, we’re a lot more used to more authentic Italian food.”

“When he says ‘authentic’ he means ludicrously expensive,” Tim explained. 

_Suck it, Jimmy Pesto,_ Bob thought across the room as he smiled ear to ear. 

“This place also has pretty good reviews on Welp,” Bruce explained.

“Sorry,” Bob came back up to the table, “Welp?”

“It’s an app that lets you rate places,” Tim explained, “One of our friends made it.”

“Hey, I have an idea,” Felix said, “what if we have a little open house type of thing where you can see about investment opportunities in our town? Try some of our various other restaurants, see what our town has to offer?”

"Yes, I suppose that could be interesting," Calvin said.

“I don’t know, I’m a really busy man,” Bruce started, “But I have been interested in, um, expanding throughout New Jersey. Revitalizing areas that could maybe use some, erm, reviving. Sure, all right, how’s next Thursday at 8?”

“Great! Right here is fine,” Felix said.

“Isn’t the restaurant across the street bigger?” 

Bob jumped in, “Nope, that’s an, uh, illusion. We’re fine. We can have it here.”

“All right, I suppose I’ll be here Thursday at 8. And Bob? Thank you for the wonderful burger.” Bruce threw down a few bills, wrangled his children, and went to leave the restaurant.

Louise walked up and locked eyes with Damian. “I’ll see you in hell.”

Bob pulled Louise back, “Louise! Don’t.”

“I’ve already been there, and it was better than spending a second with you!” Damian screamed.

“Damian!” Bruce chastised, “he’s joking! That’s a normal joke for a child to make! Definitely no truth to that whatsoever!”

"By Tim!" Tina said, running to the door.

“See ya- wait, Bruce,” Tim said, “you dropped out of Princeton because someone from your class told Vicki Vale that you were a furry?”

“We’re leaving now,” Bruce said, unamused.

 

The Waynes left the restaurant. Bob went to pick up their money, and an intense mixture of shock and excitement crossed his face.

“Lin! He left us $400! Holy Crap!”

Mr. (Calvin) Fischoeder turned to Bob. “So would now be a good time to ask about rent?”

Bob sighed. “I’ll go write you a check.”

“On time for once! We’ll need Bruce Wayne to come here more often.”

“Yes,” Felix said, nervously laughing, “More… often… if you’ll excuse me, I need to make a phone call.”

Felix slipped out. 

“Hey Bobby,” Lin shouted, “I’ve gotta take the trash out! Gene tried to do a science experiment.” 

“I was trying to make a new perfume! I call it ‘ _Eau de_ beef fat.’ It contains beef fat. And farts!” 

 

Lin went out to the alley to throw out gene’s _parfum_ when she saw Felix, talking on the phone. He, however, was completely oblivious to her presence. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he said as if trying to be sneaky, but was very loud nonetheless, “I’ve got Bruce Wayne to come to a place called Bob’s Burgers next Thursday at 8… It’s-it’s called Bob’s Burgers, it’s on Ocean Avenue, okay? You can’t miss it… Yeah, our police are even worse than the ones in Gotham, this’ll be very easy for you… and you’ll give me $15,000 for this? Wow… okay, thank you, Deathstroke!”

 

_Deathstroke_ , Linda thought, _that doesn’t sound good. And hey, what’s Felix getting paid for?_ Hoping not to get caught, she ran back inside the store and suddenly realized:

 

“Oh my God! I think Felix is going to get Bruce Wayne killed! At Bobby’s restaurant! On Thursday!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no!  
> Damian's literally been to hell, so it's funny.  
> Guess who made Welp? It wasn't Tim. Maybe he helped. I'll share that information in a later chapter. Probably.


	3. Special Guest Star

Bob paced back and forth across the living room. “So Felix hired this guy—“

“Deathstroke,” Tina noted.

“Yes, Deathstroke- wait, Tina, do you know who that is?”

“Nightwing’s fought him a lot. I like to watch news reports that include Nightwing. Specifically, video news reports. Specifically taken from the ground, behind Nightwing, as Nightwing is doing acrobatics—“

“Okay, Tina, yeah, we get it,” Bob said. Tina just looked up into the air, imagining Nightwing flipping about in that tight suit. She sighed, happily. What a great butt.

“What are we gonna do, Bobby?” Linda asked, “We can’t afford to have another crime happen at the restaurant!”

“Well I mean, it could be really good for business…”

“Louise, no, we can’t let someone murder Bruce Wayne in our restaurant. God, see, why can’t this guy kill Bruce Wayne in Gotham? They’re used to that kinda stuff. We’re supposed to be safe out here. The most dangerous part of town should be Wonder Warf.” 

“Dad, are you forgetting when you were a hostage?” Louise asked.

“Aside from that, Louise, and all the other times we almost died, this town is a lot safer than Gotham is.”

“Yeah, and a lot more boring,” Gene said, “Why couldn’t you move us to the big city! I could be a cool city kid who plays with rats and knows what molly is!” 

“No, Gene, you don’t need to know about drugs—“

“Drugs? I thought they were talking about the American Girl Doll!”

“What are we gonna do?” Linda asked, “Do we hire security? Mickey’s a criminal, maybe he’ll help out!”

“Mom, Mickey doesn’t stand a chance,” Tina said, dejected, “unless we made him a costume, and we don’t have enough time for that.”

“Ooh, a costume!”

“No, Lin, we’re gonna go to the police,” Bob said.

“Aw.”

 

 

The next day, Bob and Linda did go to the police. And they got nowhere. 

They had been sitting in Bosco’s stuffy office for about 45 minutes, the first 30 waiting for him to finish doing something in the bathroom, and the next 15 trying to explain the situation to him. Bosco, out of laziness or corruption, brushed them off. 

“Sergeant Bosco, please, we wouldn’t lie about this,” Bob said.

“Yeah, I swear to God, I heard the whole thing! Felix Fischoeder is clearly trying to get Bruce Wayne killed!” Linda insisted, eyes wide.

“Relax,” Bosco said, sitting back in his chair and holding a newspaper, “Felix Fischoeder is rich! Why would a rich white man want to kill another rich white man? It just doesn’t add up.”

“Bosco, Felix tried to kill me and his brother once,” Bob said, crossing his arms.

“He’s never been charged with any crime like that. Only parking tickets, jaywalking, and punching an elderly man who totally had it coming. The point is, I’m not going to go after the brother of the man who owns the town because you allegedly heard him say sketchy things on the phone. Maybe they’re throwing Bruce Wayne a surprise party or something! Maybe he’s setting him up with a hot slice!”

“A hot slice?” Bob asked.

“Of what, cheese?”

“No, it’s another word for like, a broad, a nice pair of legs—“

“Don’t talk about women that way!” Linda said.

“Okay, I have better things to do with my time,” He said, pulling out his cell phone. He pointed the screen at Bob. There was a half-naked woman named Lexii’s tinder bio on it. “Should I swipe left or right?”

“Come on Bobby, we’re leaving.”

“Right behind you, Lin.”

 

 

They walked out of the precinct, dejected and terrified at the incompetency of their local police sergeant.

“Yeesh, Felix was right, these cops are worse than the ones in Gotham,” Linda said.

“God, I really don’t have time for this! I should be coming up with the perfect burger for a billionaire! Getting ingredients, experimenting, cooking…”

“Oh, Bobby, you’ll be fine. He liked the burger. He’ll like whatever you come up with... if he’s alive to enjoy it.”

“Maybe the kids will have some ideas?” Bob suggested.

 

 

“FLAMETHROWER!” Louise yelled. 

“Tie him up and play the new Ed Sheeran single over and over until he hates it! He’ll never be able to go outside again!” Gene suggested.

“Cut off his butt! No wait, that sounds really painful, don’t, maybe move all his furniture an inch to the left?” Tina said.

“Kids, this man is an assassin. We don’t stand a chance. I’m just a burger man.”

“Dad, that’s it!” Louise jumped up, “We need a superhero to take this guy! Or a jewel thief…”

“Louise, how would you even get Catwoman here?”

“Guess you’ll have to send me to Gotham—“

“No, Louise, you aren’t going to Gotham.”

“Well, APPARENTLY it’s safer than here!”

“Gotham has a bat-signal they use to summon Batman. Maybe we could make a cat signal?” Tina suggested. “Or a Nightwing signal—“

“No, kids, we can’t just go to Gotham and commandeer their bat-signal.”

“Well then how do you get a superhero to come help you?” Louise asked.

“Hey, Superman has super-hearing, right?” Gene asked, “I mean, that’s what I heard, but I always ask him what he thinks of the theme song I wrote for him and he’s never responded!”

“Super-hearing?” Bob asked, “So, what, he’d hear if we yelled for him?”

“SUPERMAN!” Louise yelled.

“SUPERMAN!” Gene joined in.

“Ah, Superman! Please come here!” Tina said.

The three kept screaming the name “Superman.”

“Kids, it’s probably not going to—“

Linda started yelling, “Oh, Superman! Please help us! Felix is gonna kill Bruce Wayne!” 

They yelled for a couple more seconds and then gave up.

“Well, you tried,” Bob said.

Just then, a flash of red and blue appeared past them.

“Who’s Felix, and why is he killing Bruce Wayne?” They heard a deep voice ask.

They all turned. 

It was Superman. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, I've been really busy (which is mostly code for tired).   
> I'll try to upload more often!


End file.
